Time Won’t Stop Ticking, So Don’t Stop Moving.
Just yesterday I got ‘Happy New Year’ texts pouring from friends, and today, the calendar reads ‘Welcome to May’ already. My insides are squeezing because it’s that time again I get to draft my progress report.
And when I do, I become this ghost version of myself. I go silent on everything and everyone.
What did I do from January to May? What did I stay true to even after writing them?
I won’t stop drilling myself till I’m able to pinpoint something tangible.
As humans, our reality hits harder when we can’t record any milestones. It feels like we were gallivanting while our friends were hitting it big. And when comparison comes in, there’d be this ill feeling of — —Oh, I wasted time doing the not-so-important things.
Truth is, it’s very much okay to feel sad about not making progress, but it becomes an issue when we decide to wallow in it.
I started the year with so much energy and fire. For all the months, I had smashable goals attached to them and they were backed up with prayers.
But can I say I smashed all? I just can’t.
January to April taught me that writing out goals can be sweet, but when the real owner of time isn’t fully involved in the plans, everything will be at a standstill.
J-A-N-U-A-R-Y = Month of Questions.
As beautiful as this month is spelt, I’d have said it brought me nothing, but that would mean canceling out the important lessons I learnt.
I began the year with a radio frequency account balance. I was so broke, hungry and confused. Not confused about what I was ‘pose to do, but confused about how I was to get started.
I had unanswered questions lurking—the question of what if, will it, can it, and many ifs.
I knew what God said, and I knew what He needed me to do this year. In fact, I knew what was needed of me just like the clothes I wear, but they felt like they were way bigger than me.
During this period of my many questions, my friends became the ones aligned when I wasn’t, and they became my ears when I was deaf.
F-E-B-R-U-A-R-Y = Month of Responsibilities.
I woke up to receive new roles from different organizations. And they required my commitment and devotion.
Was I prepared for any? To an extent, I wasn’t. But I knew they were all part of God’s plan for me this season. Coupled with the fact that my friend kept on emphasizing that God’s children should—Take the lead, Ascend, Be the light, and every phrase related to accepting to be the head in whatever platforms or organizations we were strategically placed in. I knew I couldn’t escape all the roles that I was waking up to.
So yes, I accepted all.
M-A-R-C-H = Month of God’s Help.
When the responsibility was coming in, it felt sweet to be addressed as Madam, Ma, or Boss. I splashed the internet with pictures of every achievement I made. But overtime, I knew it was deeper than what I envisioned.
Beyond my mental capabilities, skills, or human talent, I knew if God’s help wasn’t involved I was going to break down.
A-P-R-I-L = Month of You Can’t Do It On Your Own.
I was hanging on the lifeline of God Help Me! Every day was like walking on a ticking time bomb of everything bad.
As if the mental palaver I was getting daily wasn’t enough, I got served rejection emails, not once and not twice.
I got overwhelmed with shege banza and sapa that ironically, I didn’t look like I was going through tough times. People saw me and called me HEALTHY. Financially, I was going under that I had to reach out to family and friends for help. I’m not one to ask for help but at that point, I knew if I didn’t, I’d likely not make it.
Okay! Maybe I would’ve, like I always did. But, this particular overwhelming feeling stretched me beyond my limit.
Nights where the only thing I could do was cry and seek attention from friends. But, when they were away, the joy was just temporal.
I really understood what it meant to wait on God. I guess I should write about my waiting seasons.
I got super overwhelmed that it affected my communication skills. What was left of me was drawing strength from the word.
Even with all of these chaotic events and stressors (written and unwritten), I can happily say I stayed alive, I built faith, I loved myself more, intentionally loved humans, became better at some things, and my relationship with God is still moving.
I still have a long list of unticked goals I am yet to smash due to some reasons, nevertheless, God had to teach me that it’s not my work to tell Him what to do and how to do it, so I’ve left the work for Him.
My work right now is to follow and do the little I can.
If you think you’ve gone through the worst these past months, I dare you to trust God all the way.
He is still working, even now.
Remember, as long as the time is still ticking and you are still breathing, you’ll keep moving (regardless).
With love,
Your guest guy.
