Struggle-Love

As humans, we are wired to seek connection. We consciously and unconsciously crave a sense of acceptance and validation from our family, friends, partners, and those around us.

You know, the need to not only be seen, heard, loved, taken, and accepted as one who just has something to offer, but as one who has enough to satisfy and deserves to be held down. This desire to belong sometimes pushes us to carry out actions we never would have thought ourselves capable of. Once we start putting in so much to become accepted, we end up being the main character in the love story. As crazy as this sounds, the main character who should be a fighter becomes a victim—always thinking and overthinking if this is worth enduring so much for.

This brings us to the kind of love we evade— struggle love.

One of the many things I’ve decided to be intentional about this year is to L-O-V-E. Love God, my family, myself, and humans as well. But the struggle with the last has been so real.

Can anything with humans involved not be a struggle? I doubt. Looking at how we have them cut out from different fabrics, I guess we just have to pay the price as we’ve been commanded in Mark 12:31 — Love your neighbor as you love yourself. But there is a thin line between loving someone wholeheartedly and enduring the pain of struggle-love, which I feel has become a norm.

Loving someone on the grounds of I-just-have-to.

“Love is not love until love’s vulnerable”

The quote by Theodore Roethke has to be the most amazing thing I’ve read about love. This rule and that of 1 Corinthians 13 is what I’ve been holding onto to weigh the kind of love I give out—If it doesn’t bring out your vulnerable side, means you ain’t truly loving.

But it becomes exhausting having to be the vulnerable person while others act all macho.

Love takes work, commitment, and sacrifice and should be done by both parties, but on the flip side, Struggle-love is one-sided.

You get to be the only person rocking the ship, putting so much effort into making everything work. You start the conversations, you engineer it to the end. You’d be the first to text. You’ll be the first to say ‘I miss you or I love you’.

You keep being the first to do everything and all they do is relax, and enjoy all the actions and inactions you put in to make it work, while you are being watched to carry the weight.

As if in this life, your work is to pour out love on people. Like water in buckets, it should be poured into every other bucket that needs refilling. That is love!

You also deserve to be loved.

Carrying the weight might feel intriguing when you are just starting off, because literally you are so into this person, so you’d do so much and wouldn’t count it as much, but in the long-run, what started as an adventure you were ready and willing to explore becomes a tragedy. It’ll leave you feeling like you ain’t needed as you assumed. And the hard truth is, you can’t sail a ship that needs intentional and committed people to rock. You’d need helping hands for the stormy and misunderstanding seasons.

My friend has been emphasizing I opt for value who values you kinda relationship. As outrageous as that sounds, that is the most healthy way to love humans. Choosing the people that chooses you.

When you don’t, it leaves you feeling pushy, looking love-starved, desperate, and all. It makes you wonder if truly you are the person’s priority or you are the one prioritizing the person you’ve chosen to love.

No one deserves to struggle for love, especially if you live in Nigeria. With the nation’s stress and everyday energy-sapping activities, LOVE should be given out as a daily dose in good measure.

But what do I know?

I feel we wouldn’t have to struggle so much when we pay close attention to the kind of people we choose to love. What’s this person’s temperament? What’s the person’s love language? How does this person prefers to be communicated with? Those are easy routes to navigate when we choose to love.

Were you thinking I was going to say you should stop loving the person? Nah…It’s our year to be intentional, so we’d pay the price.

First, you have to understand that love cannot be given in the same measure. Whatever thing attracted you to the person should be a good reason to stay put and make it work, especially when you know this is your do-or-die.

Second, choose someone who doesn’t let their ego rule them. If the person is teachable and still finds it hard to love, there is no ish in being that person’s teacher. We are all in this school together.

Third, talk about it. When it is feeling like you are the only one pouring out love, talk about it.

Fourth, it is more healthy if the next person recognizes the efforts and acts accordingly. If the person isn’t, then that is a good ground to alight.

Fifth, set, communicate, and respect boundaries. But the moment it’s looking like the boundary will suck virtue from you, then, it’s a good ground to move.

Love requires more fighters than the so-many victims we have scattered all around. So, choose not to struggle. Let love and vulnerability be your watchword.

Above all, love you and everything you first. It’s only when you love yourself you can be able to love humans right.