Million Reasons To Keep Fighting.

“Sometimes, your dreams become a nightmare—chasing you wherever you go until you birth them.”

Those were his actual words to me, and I couldn’t help but take the time to chew and digest them.

Every morning, I am torn between being the light of the world, the salt of the Earth, a city set upon a hill, to being that version of me people have created in their heads. Being the latter is more exhausting and demanding, you know, having to keep up with a charade and living a lie. So, I learnt to settle for the long list.

I am at this point in my life where I keep making decisions, trying so hard to reconcile the person I am/was with the person I’ve been called to be. For this reason, I fight.

Fighting—not in the literal sense. I doubt I am capable of hurting a fly or throwing a fist. Even though I’ve lost count of the number of houseflies I dismembered with a long broom while growing up, and still plan to when they buzz around, however, for the sake of this conversation, let’s all act like you do know I’m incapable of hurting a fly.

I do not fight because I have the strength to, nor do I fight to prove a point or compete with anyone.

The fight is against my mind—voices in my head telling me I can’t amount to anything, the things I hate to see, habits that are limiting, the constant droplets of ‘What ifs’ my heart harbors, and the need to stretch myself out of the place of seeming satisfaction to living out all of God’s plan. Living in a world where everyone (young and old) has a track record and portfolio of everything BIG, the competition and pressure keep getting wesser.

Periods I doubted I’d be able to catch up with this fast-evolving world. I got scared that my weaknesses will sprout up like weeds when I try to stand. So instead of standing, I chose to sit and observe. That decision became my prepaid plan for laxity, and my dance with the myopic mindset of it doesn’t matter began.

I’ve come to understand that it isn’t enough to desire this or that. Desires leaves one pacing and frantic. But the need to become better makes one dig deeper, hide, shut up even when there are a lot of things to say, seek God, listen, re-strategize, seek support, be obedient and teachable, and trust Him for B-I-G.

It has become my guiding light to taking intentional steps. I still have a lot to know, a lot to learn, unlearn, yet-to-be-filled lacuna, my glaring weaknesses, the daily battle with managing my time and delivering on time, my financial status, and the fight to shut out the voices.

So just before you think this is the better version of me writing to you, do know I still haven’t caught up yet, they remain my cogent reasons for showing up.

I don’t want to be that desperate person who hops on everything that looks it. I’ll prefer to become better.

So allow me to reintroduce myself, I am Goodness Harriet Idio. I am a fighter, the light that must shine. And, these are my million reasons to keep fighting.